her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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