Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Randomize
