I think I died a long time ago.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Randomize