1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
you win again, gameday.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
Randomize
