I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Let's paint friendship bongs
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
