Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
