remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
