I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
