All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Randomize
