so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
