I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
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