I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
