dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
