Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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