Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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