I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
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