Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
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