I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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