the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
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