So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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