Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
