She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
Randomize
