is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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