that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
