You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
