What did we do last night that was yellow?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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