Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
