Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
