Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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