I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Randomize
