I puked a lego.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
