i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
