He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
