he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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