So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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