Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
