Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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