you still trying to smash that chick?
it's a losing battle and she kinda sucks. been busy with school so not getting midweek drunk - she's nearly unbearable sober
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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