I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
