Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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