I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize