I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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