I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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