apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
