If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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