haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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