real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
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