He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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