My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
