I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
