she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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