Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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