He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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