if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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