Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
why do cheetos always look like penises
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
