dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
