i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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