I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
